On Raising Teens
(Reflection #2 – Veracity)
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive – Sir Walter Scott
When I was around 16, fresh on the road with a new driver’s license, I jumped at every opportunity to run an errand. So, I was eager when Mrs. Ware asked, “Sim, if you’re going to be at Ruben’s could you please pick up a dress they have ready for me?” I lived at the Ware’s house more than at my own. Freddy Ware was my best friend. I knew all about Freddy’s mom, dad, brother, grandmother, uncle, dogs, and even the family’s health issues — when there were any. I was not a prying kid; just a friend-in-residence. I knew their house as well as my own — just two blocks away. “Sure, Mrs. Ware, I’d be happy to pick up your dress.”
When First We Practice to Deceive
My mother shopped at Ruben’s department store as much as Mrs. Ware. When I was a child, I was often with my mom when she was there where mostly women — including Mrs. Ruben, as I recall — waited on customers. Between the salesclerks and regular customers there were no strangers at Ruben’s. “I would like to pick up Mrs. Ware’s dress.” “Oh, sure.” said the lady at the counter who may well have been Mrs. Ruben. “We’ll bring it right out.” Then she asked how my mom was. I said she was fine and busy as usual. She asked further how my mom’s health was since her illness. I think my mother had just gotten over a cold. I said she was just fine. She continued — even asking about my brother. My brother? How would she know anything about my brother? Then it hit me! She thinks I’m Freddy! I didn’t want to embarrass the lady (or me). After all, I would be out of there and gone in seconds. What to do? My fateful decision was to continue to be Freddy. So, I responded to her next few questions alias Freddy. Then the bombshell came in the form of a shout from way back behind the counter, “Mrs. Ware’s dress won’t be ready for another 10 minutes!!!”
Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave
I panicked inside. It was far too late to reveal my identity — like how shameful it would be to say “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m not really Freddy Ware. I’ve just been playing you along these last few minutes.” So, I hung in there responding to everything she kept throwing at me about my family — a family that wasn’t mine. At first I answered with amazing accuracy, but eventually had to start making things up. That’s when I began to feel like a villain. The longer it went, the deeper the hole I dug for myself. There was no escaping now. Not only was I deceitfully impersonating another, but my web of lies had become legion. I was sure that either someone would enter the store saying “Hi Sim!” or she would detect the sweat on my brow and my obvious nervousness. I now knew how a losing boxer feels who longs for the bell to ring and the round to be over.
It’s true, some of the most liberating words ever said to me were, “Freddy, your dress is ready.”
Honesty and Truth — One of Our Few Family Rules
As far as the history of the world goes my actions above were (hopefully) harmless, but as far as the history of Sim Fulcher they were epochal. I thank God for his kindness in teaching me a lesson so indelibly that I’ve never forgotten. Ruben’s is still there. I recently drove by it and as always that name brings back the lesson I learned almost 70 years ago. I join Mimi in her words straight from our book: Not telling lies and telling the truth have always been important in our family. When our children lied or spoke bad language, I did as my mother had done to me. The children got their mouths washed out with soap (which now can qualify as child abuse). One of them said to me after such a washing, “But, Mom, the words are still there in my mouth.” They didn't get the symbolism but they got the message. The point here is that honesty has always been the top core value in our home, so when dishonesty was detected, it wasn't tolerated for a moment.
White Lies and Job Applications
Once, when completing a job application, I was amused with the psychological section until I got to the question DO YOU EVER LIE? I surprised myself when I hesitated to check NO. After all, God’s choice man, Abraham, could not have checked NO. Sure, he told the truth when he told his host king, Abimelek, that he had not lied — that Sarah was his sister, the daughter of his father though not of his mother. He told the truth but he was dishonest — to the hurt of Abimelek — in withholding that Sarah was his wife (Gen. 20:11). (Later — Gen. 26:7 — Abraham’s son, Isaac, told a similar white lie, or half-truth, and thus a lesson for us parents: Our kids will copy our bad as well as our good.) So, what about my job application? Checking NO might in itself say I’m a liar! On the other hand, who wants to hire someone who checks YES? I’ve forgotten what I checked but I got the job — the job of my life! As always, observing God’s Commandments is the prescription for wellness and joy. Consider: An honest answer is like a warm hug (Prov. 24:26 MSG).