On Raising Teens

(Reflection #3 - Discipline)

In family life, “discipline” has been an unattractive word to me. Nothing about it is inviting whether you’re the discipliner or the disciplinee. It conjures up the akin words like anger, resentment, tears, restrictions, limits, hard feelings, control, ill will, and on and on. But a Miami talk forever changed that for Mimi and me.

Clueless but Craving

The road from Ft. Lauderdale to Miami may well be the most memorable 20-mile stretch of our parenting lives. It was around 1967. Our three kids were knee to waist high. I’m not sure what motivated us to get a sitter and make the trip — three times! — beyond the fact that we were a clueless couple. The flyer was ordinary but had potential — Christian psychologist sponsored by Campus Crusade, Dr. Henry Brandt, will be speaking at (can’t recall) Methodist Church Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday nights on “You as a Person,” “You as a Partner,” and “You as a Parent.” We were clueless on mostly those last two topics. We learned a lot on Monday night, more on Tuesday, but Wednesday with its standing-room-only crowd — a “problem” that arose when news of the Brandt meetings went viral — changed our parenting lives forever. 

Two Stories

He spoke for an hour but like with Jesus and his parables, it was Dr. Brandt’s stories highlighting his teaching that will always be inerasable from our minds. His first story was immediately applicable for us with our little ones, but how could I know that years later his second story would inspire and guide me in a special disciplinary moment in the life of our family.

The Snowsuit

Visiting the playground in the school where he had just spoken to the teachers, Dr. Brandt asked, “Why doesn’t that child have a snowsuit on?” The lady standing there with a snowsuit in her hand as the little girl she was tending played out in the cold replied, “Because she won’t let me put it on her.” Dr. Brandt reflected, Here’s this big lady and this little kid. How do you dress a little kid? The quickest way I know of is to stuff the kid in it. So that’s what I did with this little girl and her snowsuit. “That little girl gave me one final dirty look and then ran off to play. That lady looked at me and said, ‘Wow, that’s terrific!’ I assured her it was not that I was a pro, that I just did what common sense tells us to do.”

Frozen Knees

Brandt explained that this principle of Giving your Children Help goes far beyond infancy and childhood. He told the story of his daughter who needed Help one Sunday morning in going to church. He said he couldn’t control where her mind was — it may never be in church — but he could determine where her body was and he felt obliged under God that her body should be in church on Sunday morning. One Sunday morning his teen daughter’s knees did not seem to work. She needed Help. So, with Dad and a little Help from Mom, she was transported from house to car, stiff knees and all.

Tough Love

So, we began to give our children lots of Help. It was working, but the kids were growing. One day our first-born at the last minute decided she was not going with the family to the school variety show where her sister was performing. She went to her room and locked the door. She was 15, but she needed Help — lots of it. I was not angry. I was on a mission. I slowly removed the door to her bedroom. It did not come down easily. For a moment she thought I had become some wild, crazy guy. She quickly got into the car, and I thought the struggle was over. It was not. When we reached our destination she announced she was not going into the auditorium. She needed more Help. I sent the rest of the family ahead. She said, “If you try to pull me out of this car I’ll scream ‘Child abuse!’ and they will come and put you in jail.” I sent up a quick prayer something like Stick close, Lord, here we go! Then the train came. We were parked very close to the track. At the peak of our struggle, the train was so loud I couldn’t even hear her yell, much less could anybody else. Pulling her from the car was like trying to detach a huge piece of Velcro. I somehow carried her — kicking and flailing — across the schoolyard. Halfway to the auditorium it became clear we would encounter other people. She asked me in a very poised way to put her down. I did. When we got to the auditorium she was her wonderful, beautiful, composed self. Some of her friends were there, whom she greeted cheerfully. Our family enjoyed the show together. This daughter, our oldest child, never required that kind of radical Help again. It was a defining moment in which we both realized how much I loved her. 

God be thanked — and Dr. Henry Brandt.