If You Could Turn Back Time (A reflection on two destructive g’s)

Cher’s words in her engaging 1989 solo number-one Billboard hit have always haunted me: If I could turn back time, if I could find a way, I’d take back those words… It’s haunting because I find myself saying, “Cher, you can turn back time! There is a way!” I have recently been impressed by an “invisible” pandemic.

The symptoms? Anger, hate and faultfinding. This pandemic has two sides to its business end — two g’s.

The Two g’s — The World’s Most Deadly Forces 

We are told that 9 g’s — 9 times the normal force of gravity on a human being — is the limit before a person’s heart can no longer take the stress. I propose — no, I declare, that (9 g’s aside) with the two g’s I have in mind, life might continue but all quality of that life disappears under their force. Even one of these g’s by itself can be lethal in that sense. The “heart” can’t handle it. These two g’s are guilt and grudge. 

What is Guilt?

Guilt is the state one is in when they have wronged another by word or deed — such that the person wronged could rightfully point an accusing finger — and have not made a genuine attempt to right the wrong. In Cher’s song, she admits having verbally offended another person such that the offended person has been justifiably hurt just as the continuing words of her song acknowledge — words that’ve hurt you.

What’s the Remedy for Guilt?

The remedy for Guilt is regretful acknowledgment of wrong-doing with a request to be forgiven. It always involves going back to the person face to face. In our book, I describe the agonizing discovery that I had wronged my dad (not he me, as I had thought for years) which meant going back to him. I did so in a letter — a letter very difficult to write, but a letter found in his bank lockbox upon his death along with his gold keepsakes. He accepted my request for his forgiveness. We became close during his last years. 

What is Grudge?

Grudge is the state of having and maintaining a feeling of anger, bitterness, or resentment toward another because of something the other said or did against them that was a bona fide wrong which the offender has not attempted to make right. This is the state of the one whom Cher, in her song, has wronged — the one whose rightful resentment towards her has caused him to [walk] out that door with his anger and hurt.

What’s the Remedy for Grudge?

The remedy for grudge is forgiveness. Total, complete forgiveness. Forgiveness does not involve going back to the person who wronged you. Yes, they get a free pass. It’s not fair, but: “When we forgive we heal the hurt we never deserved (Lewis B. Smedes)”. Here’s one of Mimi’s stories from our book. “Some time back I was deeply hurt over and over by a woman with whom I had regular contact. While she was never aware that she was hurting me, I was beginning to have a grudge against her. Then I read in Scripture that I should do good to her: ‘And as for those who try to make your life a misery, bless them. Don’t curse, bless (Romans 12:14).’ So, I gave her a nice gift on some appropriate occasion. Do you know, those hateful feelings gradually melted. Now, years later, I still do not feel resentment towards her, only love.” 

THE REMEDIES AREN’T EASY — BUT, OH SO IMPORTANT!!!

This is the reason I have written this page. The first 94 pages of our book — after the short introductory first chapter — are about settling these two g’s before anyone can move ahead in their marriage. I’ve provided more detail of these two g’s in two previous blogs (6-15-20 & 10-8-20) but please do whatever it takes to settle these g’s. You owe it to yourself. Here’s a quote from a ministry I just heard about last week: “Our ministry for women is for those struggling with emotionally crippling hurt. The women are guided by our staff to learn how to forgive. Forgiveness is extremely difficult and rarely learned overnight. Practice makes perfect. Our motto is ‘FREEDOM!’” The photo here is of two Maryanns (though spelled differently). Mimi (whose given name is Maryann) is on the right. On the left is a dear friend of ours whose glowing face of freedom is the result of years of work on her forgiveness project — a success she now publicly proclaims.

Cher’s song was not about Cher. It was no doubt about her songwriter — who was adamant that the song see daylight — Diane Warren. Whoever, the words (if you Google them) reflect one who has met all the essential requirements for settling a problem of guilt other than being face to face with the one offended. Otherwise, time was (in essence) turned back, making a new start possible. Ironically, Cher premiered this song on the deck of the battleship USS Missouri on the very spot where reconciliation, not between persons but between nations, was settled 44 years earlier on September 2, 1945 — the end of World War II.