Back to the Future (or) How You Raised Your Parents

In what’s considered one of the finest science-fiction films ever produced, Michael J. Fox, as Marty, goes 30 years back in time in Back to the Future. He fixes up the stormy relationship between his mom-and-dad-to-be thus assuring his existence. So, he literally had a huge hand in raising his parents. I hope to inspire you to do the same thing — of sorts. True, you can’t go back in years with Doc in his hot futuristic DeLorean and affect your parents like Marty did. But you can go back in memory and reconstruct the interaction between you and your parents or guardians and connect what happened then with the raw self you are continuing to chisel and shape today. Stick with me here. This intriguing Back to the Future stuff is also compelling.

How You Raised Your Parents

In our book, we happily gave room to top family therapist, Dr. Dan Allender — with permission from Penguin Random House — to make his point that parents become successful when they listen to their children. In his book, How Children Raise Parents — more sentences underlined, paragraphs circled, sticky tabs added, than any other book on my shelf (other than my Bible) — he says parents should listen to their children’s quirks, failures, and dilemmas. Allender says there are two big core questions children unconsciously ask. You (and I) asked them. And they got answered. And how our parents answered them is this page’s kicker.

The Two Big Core Questions

In Allender’s words: We [parents] must become better at hearing what is spoken behind the actual words being said. We must learn how to read our children’s… two core questions: “Am I loved?” and “Can I get my own way?” As a parent, I am called to answer both of these questions ... simultaneously. Now reverse it. Go back to when you were a kid. Were you loved? Did you get your own way? In which quadrant were you?

If You Were an “A” Kid — (Not loved and got your own way)

Is Allender right? He says your parents didn’t even notice when you came or went. That you have therefore lacked a conscience and have no concern for others. If you’re a girl you’ve probably gotten by using your “body’s assets.” If you’re a boy you’ve survived on your own “wits.” You probably found a home with a gang or some other group that has given you both love and rules to live by.

If You Were a “B” Kid — (Not loved and could not get your own way)

Is Allender right? He says you were guided by stringent rules and high demands with clear consequences; that your home probably lacked warmth, humility, laughter, and tears. And though you performed well, obeyed the rules, and have succeeded through hard work, there was no doubt a lack of passion, humor, joy, playfulness, and vision. Relationships in the home tended to be polite but disengaged. 

If You Were a “C” Kid — (Loved and got your own way)

Is Allender right? He says you grew up with an attractive but pseudo-affection because public image and appearance tended to dominate. Love was dealt out through gifts. You have experienced over-protective and overly-possessive care — even maybe provided at times through a “nanny” or “surrogate parent.” You are no doubt a poised and competent person, but have struggled with strength of conviction and the building of character that develops “through bumping up against consistent boundaries.” 

If You Were a “D” Kid — (Loved and could not get your own way)

Is Allender right? He says this is the quadrant of strength and delight — that you delighted in being “loved without conditions” and were strengthened by your parent’s careful watch (tough love) for your welfare even through the discomfort and inconvenience that such careful watch brought them — and you.

An Encouraging Word

As you read through A, B, C, and D above — and you still have children in the home — it’s impossible to do so without asking yourself “How are we (or myself) doing with our (my) kid(s) concerning these two questions?” You will, as Mimi and I have, appreciate Allender’s concluding statement that “Parenting is impossible.” He says we are called upon to do what God alone, as Heavenly Father, can do. And he does it well. (If your trust is in Jesus Christ — and thus you’re a child of God — you will have experienced two responses from your Heavenly Parent to the unconscious core questions that emanate from our inner being. Yes, God loves you unconditionally. No, you can’t get your own way.) With God, you are a “D” kid.

The Power of Love

To deliver that same kind of unconditional tough love is the privilege God has given every parent. “Impossible” says Allender. But then he adds: [It’s not impossible with God’s help]. I know this because God loves to empower us to do, or at least take a crack at the impossible [because] every child offers this astounding invitation: Will you love me and be strong? Will you provide a world where for a very few, brief years I can experiment… and know that I can fail without losing your delight and joy? Simply put, it all has to do with the power of love. Coincidentally, The Power of Love, which debuted in Back to the Future, won the Favorite Single Song Award at the 13th Annual American Music Awards. The last three lines of the chorus fit what’s been said above like a glove: 

It’s strong and it’s sudden and it’s cruel sometimes, 

But it might just save your life:

That’s the power of love.