A Happy Marriage: Feeling at Home with a “Stranger.”
Our website designer and manager not only does a great job but she offers great input — sometimes beyond her job description. In connection with the last blog (July 18) she volunteered a little bit of her personal story — signs along the way that helped her know she had met the right guy. A feeling of coming home, she said, was one of those signs. Mimi and I both resonated with those words. So, for me, it became a foregone conclusion they would be in the next blog — this one. In fact, the title of this blog is my latest definition — actually, I’ve never had one — of a good marriage. Thanks, Shayna!
A Feeling of Coming Home
When I first started dating Mimi, I, mostly an introvert, couldn’t keep my mouth shut. Why? (Other than the fact that she was a good listener.) Well, I was 21. For over 20 years — like any 20-year-old — I had been places, done things, met people, seen unbelievable things, had bad experiences, had good experiences, been frightened to death, been ecstatic beyond belief but I never told anybody what any of that stuff meant to me. Then I met Mimi. I felt that I had come home. Now there was someone to whom I could tell all my pent-up stories. Nobody else had ever “qualified” for that barrage of information — family or friends — and that’s still true. Mimi is the easiest person on earth for me to be around. It’s a joy. Sometimes now on date night I hardly say anything. Just hanging out with her is enough. She smiles when she occasionally reminds me of my “motor mouth” of long ago. She doesn’t call it that, but she could. I’m always embarrassed when she reminds me. I was such a bad listener. She says she felt very comfortable with me because there never was an awkward silence. In fact, there never was a silence. I don’t know how she could have felt at home, but I thank God every day that she did — and does.
With a “Stranger” — Personality-wise
I don’t understand Mimi. Never did. She doesn’t understand me. That’s because each person marries the opposite of their predominant personality trait — the very trait they’ll never understand. Sometimes some personality traits may match. Almost all lifestyles characteristics do — liking the same people, music, foods, places, and having the same tastes in most things. And that includes being in lockstep regarding life’s goals. But the predominant personality trait will be opposite. Always! (See the April 15 Blog that goes into more detail about this marriage principle.) And that’s huge because your major personality trait is pretty much you. My main personality trait is analytical. Mimi’s main trait is spontaneous. (Actually, all top three traits of ours are opposites.) While I’m thinking through my end of a project, she’s finished her end and has already gone to bed. It’s not that she’s unthinking and I’m the thinker. Oh, no! In an outlet mall she’s been through all the shops — having assessed the values, made decisions, made purchases, and is ready to go home — while I’m still examining an electric drill in the first store. And that’s just part of the story.
With a “Stranger” — Gender-wise
One of the world’s most renowned psychiatrists, Dr. Paul Tournier, wrote: I will go so far as to say that never can a man completely understand a woman, nor a woman a man. Women and men are equal but they are different. Two other iconic authors have done the research and laid down the gauntlet. Their findings will continue to be challenged, but no one will be able to reverse the fact that men and women are gender opposites. Dr. Joyce Brothers was first with her groundbreaking What Every Woman Should Know about Men. Her list of 19 ways women and men differ ends with [men] are nowhere as sensitive to others as women are. This difference of women being relational — and men not — is a biggie. Then came John Gray with a dozen books on gender differences, his best-seller — five years running — being Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. That book went virile. Fifty million copies were sold. The world agrees with Gray’s thesis. And God’s confirmation — male and female he created them (Genesis 1:27) — ain’t shabby.
What about Friends?
My best friend is a man. His predominant personality traits match mine. We understand each other. We did not marry each other. That would be unthinkable. When Fred and his wife were visiting some time back (they live afar) and she was observing Fred and me interacting together, she said, “Oh no, not another one!” Fred and I are alike. Mimi and I are not alike. She is everything I am not and vice versa. We complete each other. We came home to each other. No, you do not really marry your best friend. The relationship that Mimi and I have is far more profound than that. God is not only wise. He’s smart!
