The Dogged “C” Word — and Marriage
Is it just me or is it universal? When I see a heading Communication I’m instantly fatigued. I resist reading what follows it. Not because it’s unimportant, but because it’s all important — too much so. Look it up. You’ll find: Communication, probably the most important of all human skills. The word is huge. Big companies have it in their name. The word is mindful of a college course, a degree, or a graduate degree. It covers what is indispensable to all life on our planet, not just human life. Communication is no doubt as crucial to that bird speaking expressively in song outside my window as it is to this page. All of which brings me to say: Nowhere is the “C” word more essential than within the bond of marriage. Consider the following:
Wife's Diary:
Tonight my husband was acting weird. He had been with his friends all day, and we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day, so I thought he was upset that I was a bit late, but he made no comment about that. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed and we did, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.” When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster. I cried myself to sleep…
Husband's Diary:
A five putt… who the heck five putts?!
Per the last blog (July 27) this husband no doubt has a reserved personality while his wife’s is outgoing. They don’t — or can’t — understand each other. In addition, he has no clue as to what’s in the mind of this one whose gender’s modus operandi is deep connectedness and meaningful relationships. She certainly doesn’t know what’s in his mind — the mind of one whose gender is compared to the iceberg, i.e. what is divulged is in the tip, the rest being submerged. So they are like two ships passing in the night. Oh, how cruel marriage can be! Just think, her day turned from being with a joyous group of ladies buoyed by the exhilarating meeting of their minds to a night of misery with a discontent. And he — all day with understanding friends viscerally bonded together in mutual quest (albeit from which he emerged feeling less a man) — bemoaning himself to sleep lying unhealed next to the healer. (Not speaking here of body communication. The other kind has to happen first.) Oh, how easy to see: No communication = no joy, no fun, no real marriage.
Why, then, does the word communication appear only briefly on one page of our book (where we explain why we don’t use it)? Answer: On that page we express one of the core values of our book: This book is all about understanding one another and thus being equipped to deeply connect in the marriage relationship in harmonious communication. We felt if we presented the profound husband/wife differences throughout our book, as sketched in the husband/wife dialogue above, the need for communication would be a no brainer.
It’s like in another book. In my Bible of over a thousand pages another “C” word appears only three times. And yet that word Christian is what the Bible is all about. (Note: the word communication does appear at least one other place in our book but not of our hand. We’re grateful for the words of Rev. Dr. Dan Chun in our book’s very first paragraph: [This book] will enhance your understanding of the principles of communication to make a long, lasting, vital marriage.)