The AWOL Man
Our family was on vacation in Montreat, North Carolina — a retreat center in Black Mountain near Billy Graham’s home. It was a beautiful, sunny, Independence Day. There were fun activities for the whole family at the recreation center. I was in the father-child three-legged races with our three kids while Mimi was engaged in conversation over by the pavilion snack bar. I took a break and also took note of Mimi’s new acquaintance. Though way off, I could see he was a teenager. He was pretty scruffy looking, as if he didn’t belong in this civil crowd and wanted us all to know it. His hair was disheveled and super long — today not so unusual but at that time it said “rebel.” Mimi seemed to be doing all the talking, but he was listening. After what seemed like a really long time, Mimi returned. I asked “Who in the world was that!?” She said it was Franklin Graham, Billy Graham’s son. I still remember her words, “He’s really a mixed up, messed up kid.”
About that time, I came across an article in Graham’s publication, Decision. I was startled by A Confession — Graham’s conviction of the imminent return of Christ that fueled his preaching of the Gospel had caused him to also neglect every other priority in his life. He realized he could not — as he was doing — delegate his responsibility as a husband and father. He lamented his total neglect of his oldest child, Franklin, wondering if Franklin would ever pull out of the tailspin he had helped produce. Graham had asked God’s forgiveness and was much in prayer about Franklin. Today the whole world knows of Franklin’s humanitarian efforts including The Samaritan’s Purse and Operation Christmas Child. God answered his father’s prayers big-time. (I like to think Mimi’s “lecture” to Franklin that day was his turning point — smile.) The AWOL dad is, fortunately, not as rampant as it was 50 years ago. In fact, the opposite scenario, often unrecognized, may be the source of stress in many a home — i.e. such a focus on the kids that the marriage is neglected. That brings me to the second part of this AWOL theme — the AWOL husband.
Ted and Jan had a beautiful marriage and a home in the suburbs to match. They had no children and thoroughly enjoyed each other’s company until Ted’s work-load began to encroach on their time together. But Ted’s work meant more income as he climbed the success ladder. Yet, Jan, no longer employed, began to feel lonely. Gifts for her from his business trips helped, but they began to have heated arguments. Jan began seeing a counselor. One day after she had practically chased Ted out of the house with her vehement anger he showed up later with what he knew was her heart’s desire. He presented Jan with the keys to a beautiful, new, red, top-of-the-line convertible automobile (the car’s exotic make escapes me). Jan threw the keys back, got in her regular car, drove to an attorney, and began divorce procedures.
Jim was an Ivy League grad working for a top law firm. He and Crystal — a beautiful and accomplished woman — lived in a spacious home with their two children. Worldly success was not bringing the hoped-for happiness he thought it would. There developed a disconnect between himself and Crystal. He left for work before the children were up, and arrived home after they had gone to sleep. Exhausted, he had little energy left to engage with Crystal. He dismissed her periodic bouts of crying, hoping they would go away. One day her demeanor prompted Jim to ask, “Is something wrong?” He was shocked at her reply. She proceeded to tell him that she was profoundly unhappy with their marriage, saying emphatically, “I cannot go on like this.”
Cecil was a pastor who loved his work. He and his wife Dee lived in a sprawling house with their three kids, a dog, and two cats. Cecil’s time was much in demand. He left early in the morning, was home for dinner, then left again for work. Dee said, “He would come home at night for supper, help a little with the kids, and then go back to meetings … He would even counsel people in their marriages while I kept telling him there was something wrong with OUR marriage. He would look at me very puzzled. I had to decide whether to leave, live like I was living, or trust God. [Finally] I told God I would stay… and he would have to work it out.
The first two stories are paraphrased. The first, a talk I heard by Fred Craddock, pastor and professor at Candler School of Theology. The second, from Miracles by Eric Metaxas. The third story is a quote from our book. (I’m Cecil. Mimi is Dee.) This story is at the root of us writing the book. Mimi and I have counseled thousands of families who’ve come with knotty, intricate, problems. At least 90% of the time when the knot is unraveled, at bottom is the absent father or husband — true even when all outward evidence points elsewhere. And he (like I was) is always clueless. Husbands take note: It’s not just physical absence (I’m still learning). When you’re there, BE THERE! ATTENTIVE is the operative word (for both) in marriage.