Marriage and the SIM Factor
This is not about the Subscriber Identity Module — the card in our smart phones, etc. It’s not about me — my name being SIM. And it’s not a variation thereof, making it $IM — symbol for one million dollars (though that’s a hint). The three letters, S-I-M, came to me as I recently reflected on what our neighbor and good friend — whom I shall call Bernie — had just shared with me. Bernie had been glancing at our book, Door to a Lasting Marriage, when our paths crossed in the parking lot. He said, “Sim, do you remember old Dr. Robinson who pastored the First Baptist Church downtown before it moved?” “Yes,” I said. (Everybody knew and loved Dr. Robinson. He was eloquent, personable, and to the point. He could have been thought of as the Billy Graham of our city.) “Well,” Bernie continued, “One time after a wedding as he and I were walking out of the church together he turned and said, ‘Bernie, marriage has only three problem areas that can give a couple trouble — SEX, IN-LAWS, and MONEY.’” Bernie and I laughed. But as I got into my car and drove off my reflections went beyond the acronym letters to two big questions: Was Dr. Robinson right and was Bernie hinting that our two pound 444-page book was too long? Here are those reflections:
Sex
Dr. Robinson mentioned “sex” first. We think it’s a biggie too but often swept under the carpet with all the other “stinky” things that have to eventually be dealt with (never mind that 330 million Americans are the result of it). It’s Chapter 6 (Eros) of our seven-chapter book because it takes five chapters to prepare the reader for it. We hint along the way that God is not embarrassed about one of his crowning features of creation and we shouldn’t be either. Our seminar from which the book came was a 90 minute, ten-week course. An incident one Sunday is illustrative. Because of the continuity of the material, we asked people not miss a class. So, when we got to Chapter 6 the whole class was ready to dive in. The intensity of the subject necessitated having only one session. Mid-way through we had enough embarrassment and huge comic relief laughs that no question asked or statement made phased anyone. Such is a beautiful moment. It’s a rare moment maybe never to be experienced again — Sunday morning, in church, the Bible open, and any question about sex is a go. In one of those moments we saw a middle-aged man in the hall-way looking at our class of about 35 through the glass wall behind everybody. I thought, Uh-oh, he’s coming in! And he did! He took an empty seat midway on the last row. We were in a hot discussion on a colorful topic. He lasted a good 30 seconds, slowly got up, and white-faced (or was it red) actually tippy-toed out as if he was walking on holy ground. And he was! In our book, yes, but in brief blogs that kind of ground is out of reach.
In-laws
Robinson was right. An in-law problem may be the most complex of all marital problems because more than two people are involved — sometimes six. It can get out of hand and become a feud that keeps on going — a’la Hatfields vs. McCoys. War! I can’t find this topic in our book even though I remember us speaking about it in our classes. And I only remember one incidence that required counsel that I felt competent to handle. Otherwise what applies to “Money” (below) applies here. Early on, when Mimi and I experienced an in-law conflict I became extremely grateful that in seminary my venerable professor of church history suddenly one day deviated from his lecture with this: Class, Listen to this voice of experience. Never side with your in-laws or your parents against your spouse. It makes your spouse a lone victim. I remembered and I took heed. Ah, peace! And I’ve never deviated since. In my old age I’ve added an amendment to Dr. Robby’s (no kin to Robinson) law. If something testy needs to be related to your spouse’s parents, your spouse is to be the ambassador. No one knows them better. And your spouse should assign you as ambassador to yours.
Money
Our original plan was for our chapters to be — after our opening overture — Anger, Baggage, Children, Differences, Eros, Finances, and God. But we changed it. We dropped Finances ending with “F” or Faith as our God-chapter. It was not because we knew so little about money but because we knew too much. As a bank manager for 20 years Mimi felt we weren’t able to do it justice, that we should point to people who are qualified. In our book we do just that in a money paragraph along with another paragraph that we did feel qualified to write about. It’s based on Malachi 3:8-12 where God says that one tenth of all our income is his, that if we withhold it we are robbing him. At first we couldn’t afford to comply. We found out the hard way we can’t afford not to. If Bernie was hinting (above) he would really be insinuating that our book was bulky if we had done full justice to the In-law and Money topics. But though our title is longer our book is still much shorter than Leo Tolstoy’s 1,296-page War and Peace (words that could possibly sub for this blog’s title).