On Raising Teens
(Reflection #5 – Authority)
Given half a chance, Tommy or Susie (or insert any name around 11-17 years old) will attempt to take over the leadership role in the family. He or she may choose to do it passively or aggressively — but almost always unconsciously. You know how it goes — you who have teens. The whole family can unknowingly become dependent upon what kind of day Susie or Tommy has had (or is looking forward to). Susie may attempt to run the home according to the mood she woke up with or came home from school with. Or Tommy will think nothing of ruining everybody’s plans just by making one announcement expressing his resistance to the family status quo. Words are spoken. Tempers flare. This quiet haven from all the noise of the world becomes a hornet’s nest, and Susie (or Tommy) has taken control. This is not good. It’s too much responsibility for a person that young. It robs the whole family of peace and can make for a chaotic home climate. So, what to do, or not do? Here’s a story I’ve not forgotten that may shed some light.
Staying Cool
I once heard a very well-known pastor, family-life author, and conference speaker tell of the time he was speeding way beyond the limit. He was running late to a family-life conference where he was scheduled to give the keynote talk. He got caught but said the police officer was very cordial, reminding him with a smile and gentle voice that speeding was dangerous to everyone. Then with a grin and warm handshake wished him a nice day and left — not before, however, placing in the speeder’s hand an envelope found to contain a very costly citation. No raised voice, no long lecture, but huge consequences. That moment at the side of the road was not forgotten by this humbled conference speaker who told his story to impress upon us that a shouting parent accomplishes nothing; that being cool doesn’t diminish authority or lesson effectiveness. Other than warning against the home being a cold ridged house of rules, what else can this story tell us?
A. Do Have Predetermined Consequences
You don’t have to have a formal meeting or post it on the kitchen wall. But whatever ways or means make sure your kids know exactly what’s expected of them — the speed limit — and what the consequences are if those expectations aren’t met. Then very calmly follow through with the consequences when it’s called for.
B. Do Maintain Your Position of Authority
I’ve known mothers who have, in dress and style, morphed back into the world of their daughter — the teen world. There the mom hopes to befriend her daughter back to sanity. The motive is pure, but that daughter has just lost a mother at the moment she desperately needs one. Parents, be warm, friendly, but don’t take off the uniform. You have been ordained by your Maker with the command as mother or father to see that your child is brought safely to adulthood. There’ll be plenty of time for your parent/child connection to bloom into those happy words, “My mom (or dad) is my best friend.” But at the moment you are fully mother or father — the law enforcement officer — with all of its accoutrements. No one but you can fill those shoes.
C. Don’t Yell and Berate
No sounds can equal the squeals of delight and playful shouts of joy in the home. Bring it on! Those sounds will reverberate far down the halls of memory still putting a smile on the face of geezers like me though it happened many decades ago. But also echoing across the years is sharp criticism in the home that harshly lambastes a child’s personhood. Guilt tells people they did something bad while shame tells people they are something bad (Belinda Luscombe citing author Brene Brown, Nov.22/29, 2021; Time p.92). The words “You’re no good, you’ll never amount to anything!” have often never left the ears of one whose scarred spirit is still trying to erase such a curse that’s resounding down through one’s years. Do attempt to tame the will, but never break the spirit. And remember, a raised voice doesn’t raise one’s power. If anything, it lessens it.
D. Be ye Angry and Sin Not (KJV)
Those Scripture words (Eph. 4:26) can apply — at least obliquely — to the subject at hand. The cop above was cool in his dealing with the speedster, but there are times when cool doesn’t apply in law enforcement or in raising teens. One Friday night when our teen kids were out with their various friends (our second born at a movie) we received a phone call from a person who identified himself as a policeman: “I would like to inform you that your daughter is in the movie theater with her friends, all smelling of alcohol. As her parents, I thought you ought to know.” Shocked, angry, and dismayed we immediately got into our car, drove to the theater, hurried down the aisle, snatched our daughter from her seat, took her home and to her room. If we said any words or took any additional action, we don’t remember. We didn’t have to speak; our anger did it for us. We’ve wondered since, who was really behind the voice on the phone. I like to think it was an angel.