Marriage and the “D” Word – A Reflection
Sometime back when the pastoral staff of the church I was serving decided to present a Sunday morning series of talks on marriage — each pastor participating — my subject turned out to be “divorce.” I entitled my sermon Marriage and the “D” Word. Upon seeing my title, which was published well before hand, one lady wanted to know if the D stood for a four letter swear word. She wasn’t smiling when she asked me. She was dead serious. She Knew. Marriage is difficult and unfortunately sometimes that alternate D word is very fitting — though not recommended. And sometimes when the downhill trend gains momentum and hope is trampled, divorce can happen. It is not recommended but it happens. It happens a lot. The latest research tells us the divorce rate in the U.S. is 1 out of 2 marriages or 50%. And 41% of all first marriages ends in divorce. In light of these figures I can’t help but speak of hope beyond the dark chasm of divorce.
A Reflection
Tackling the subject of divorce today is like walking through a minefield. It’s risky to write about it here, because there are so many differing opinions even among Christians. The same was true in Jesus’s day. Some thought divorce was not allowed under any conditions. And there was the opposite teaching that a burnt cake in the oven or a bad haircut was basis for divorce and remarriage to another. The religious leaders of that day who were against Jesus thought this subject would confuse Jesus and make him ineffective. So, they put it to him: Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason? His answer in Matthew (19:3-9) is not a formula. Jesus didn’t give formulas. He gave principles. Although we know Jesus was against divorce — as stated clearly in his answer — and though we know God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), yet as Jesus clearly articulated, God allows for it. These paragraphs don’t attempt to analyze this complicated subject. Rather, they reflect on the seriousness of divorce and bright hope beyond.
Divorcees — Weary but Wary
When Mimi and I led our class on marriage from which our book evolved we were always amazed that the most enthusiastic feedback came from the divorced — some of whom had already remarried. And in class they seemed to exhibit an unusual keenness. When we spoke of our struggles they seemed to readily identify, as if we were graphically explaining the break in the fence through which their marriage had slipped away. They seemed eager to strengthen that weakness, because unless they did they knew they were still vulnerable at that same place. Couples where neither has experienced divorce are not ignorant of those weaknesses, but they have been spared, so far, from the agony that accompanies such drastic measures.
The Agony — An Image of Divorce in a Snapshot
Well, not a snapshot, really. It’s a movie. It’s a true story that became a film. Aron Ralston, in 2003 — a year after leaving his job at Intel to climb solo the 14 peaks of Colorado over 14,000 feet — encountered an 800- pound boulder that rolled over onto his right arm. This 28-year-old Mechanical Engineer Phi Beta Kappa graduate of Carnegie Mellon University found himself trapped and alone in a Utah canyon. Far from help and with no communication he considered suicide. But he “chose life” instead, sawed off his right arm at the elbow with a dull pocket-knife, and rappelled a 65-ft. cliff to help and safety. In many ways, this story is the story of divorce — a hopelessness that demands the unthinkable severance of a body part, choosing suffering and major loss, but choosing life over death. It’s lose/lose but life is preserved. (Some speak of an amicable divorce. Mimi and I have a hard time getting a grip on that perspective.) Mimi and I saw the film 127 Hours in 2010. It was agonizing for us to sit through it. And it’s agonizing to watch a divorce. How much more agonizing for the participants! There is loss that can never be regained. Scarred for life. But …
There is Hope Beyond
Because — not in spite of — his horrific experience, Aron Ralston wrote a book that became number three on the New York Times non-fiction list — Between a Rock and a Hard Place. Continuing to climb, he completed his fourteen-peak quest in 2005 — first ever to do it alone in the winter. Ralston has become a sought after motivational and corporate speaker. My good friend, mentor, and colleague in ministry tells his story of grief, despair, depression, loneliness, and zero self-esteem, when he was suddenly blindsided by divorce papers from his wife. In wilderness years, after being told to forget ever being a minister, he opened his life to the grace of God. Soon he was helping divorced people find new life through a ministry that attracted over 3,000 young people. He now, as a pastor, leads a church that reaches thousands, along with a ministry he and his wife of 40 years founded that has trained over 75,000 people. All this not “in spite of” but “because of.” Aron Ralston has a motto: Our boulders can become our blessings. AMEN!
