Reflections on the Marriage Question: “Is There Only One Needle in the Haystack?”
It’s a good question. One of our grandsons asked it. He’s always asking unanswerable questions, but questions that beg reflection. So here goes in his honor. First, let’s look at the haystack math. There are, in our world, the same demographic for women as for men — roughly 500 million unmarrieds between the ages of 23 and 38. If you interviewed each (for five minutes) of the opposite sex — one after another every waking moment — it would take you 1,251 years. If just in the USA you’re in luck — only 120 years. And better still, if you interviewed those for thirty seconds instead of five minutes it will take only 12 years. That’s doable but chances are you and your interviewees wouldn’t still be millennials when you’re done. Obviously there needs to be another perspective. What follows are real-life situations bearing on this topic — a topic posing the possibility of more than one needle in the haystack. And polygamy is off the table (smile).
Which is the “Real” One?
My friend and mentor, Dr. Henry Brandt, a psychologist whom I asked to speak to groups I oversaw in Christian ministry, had three wives. In dedicating his book, When You’re Tired of Treating the Symptoms… he wrote these words: To Eva… you are in heaven. For forty-two years, we forged biblical principles that have stood the test of time. To Marcey … my second wife, in heaven also. For three delightful years, we applied many of the same principles. To Jo… my third wife, now married three years. A widow for twelve years; we needed each other. Together, we travel the world teaching biblical lessons and watching new life spring up. Henry preceded Jo by seven years but both have now joined Eva and Marcey in heaven.
Same Question (as paragraph immediately above)? — Different Circumstances.
My close friend has had four wives. His three divorced wives are still living. He has been married to his fourth wife for over two decades. They are both committed to each other “for better or for worse.” (Remember, this page is not about how to find a spouse. It’s to reflect on “Is there only one out there?”)
An Accident, Coincidence, Fate, Luck of the Draw, or What?
The epic figure of protestant Christianity, Martin Luther, was faced with a problem after he liberated a houseful of nuns. Luther helped the nuns find husbands among his colleagues who lived with him in a singles dorm. All the nuns found mates with only one left over — Katherine von Bora. Frustrated, but feeling sorry for Kathy who was left out in this marriage game of musical chairs, he married her even though they had no attraction for each other. Result: They came to love each other so deeply their marriage became the marriage model in the then new protestant world. Affectionately, Luther called her, “Katie, My Rib.”
Same Question (as paragraph immediately above)? — Different Circumstances.
An endearing dialogue from the hit Broadway musical (and film) Fiddler on the Roof (by Joseph Stein) depicting Eastern Europe a century ago (and arranged marriages) speaks to this topic: Tevye: Do you love me? Golde: Do I love you? For 25 years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals, cleaned your house, given you children, milked the cow. After 25 years, why talk about love right now? Tevye: Golde, the first time I met you was on our wedding day. I was scared. Golde: I was shy. Tevye: I was nervous. Golde: So was I. Tevye: But my father and mother said we’d learn to love each other. And now I’m asking, Golde, do you love me? Golde: Do I love him [he asks]? For 25 years I’ve lived with him, fought with him, starved with him. For 25 years my bed is his. If that’s not love, what is it? Tevye: Then you love me? Golde: I suppose I do? Tevye: And I suppose I love you too. (Though fiction this play was based on many real-life marriages.)
It’s Works Both Ways, But…
Two factors enter if one holds to the haystack/needle paradigm. First, if one marries the “wrong” person, that other person has done the same thing and math enters the picture again because this could throw the balance off for hundreds. Secondly, the needle in the haystack is also seeking the seeker but not always. A quote from Billy Graham: I knew God had one for me, and I waited for her. Of course, I went out with other girls while I was waiting, and when Ruth showed up it took me a year to convince her I was the one for her.
Conclusion
Reflections don’t have conclusions but they do have suggestions. Here’s one: For such a complex search whose outcome is so enormous the help of a Third Party is suggested — the One who invented you, me, and marriage; the One in whom we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28). I can’t imagine what it would have been like if He had not been by my side through this awesome process.