Best Friend?! – A Reflection
The exclamation mark in the title above is correct. Mimi is definitely my best friend, and maybe your spouse is yours too. There’s nobody I feel closer to than Mimi. I’m totally at ease around her and would rather hang out with her than anyone else in the whole world. I would die for her. But to say she’s my “best friend” is, for me, to say too much and too little. (It’s way deeper than that!) Hence the question mark also in the title above. (You may find such to be true for you, too. Read on.) How can these two apparently conflicting viewpoints be true at the same time? And why am I making such a big deal of it? That’s the reason for this reflection.
Every Valentine’s Day — last month it happened again — as I reach for the card on the Hallmark shelf that says To My Best Friend, I hesitate. I’ve heard one talk (discussed below) on this “Best Friend” topic. I’ve never seen anything written directly on the subject. I have briefly mentioned it in our book and I’ve referred to it in my 4/15/20 and 7/27/20 blogs. But never point-blank like here now. I’m usually a little shy speaking out about something few are talking about. I’m not a trail blazer. But in church last Sunday our preacher made a statement that made me say “Amen!” (almost audibly) and caused me to think: Okay! One more blog in this ballpark and — if for no other reason than to appear sane — I’ll put this matter to rest. After all, who in their right mind would question the salutation on most Valentine’s Day cards?
What the Preacher Said
From the pulpit, my friend and most trusted man of the cloth — looking for a hands-on example to illustrate how we’re to relate to one another in the church amidst the diversity of our spiritual gifts — said,” I’m glad my wife is different [than I]. If she was like me I wouldn’t like her. I wouldn’t want to be married to somebody like me.” He went on to describe how when they first went together their love for each other was smothered by the “flaws” they saw in each other and their desire to change one another. Needless to say, their dating life came to a screeching halt. Later, in His providence, God became real to each of them in their own lives separately. Upon discovering that each was now a new creation in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17) they came together again. This time their love for each other that had before been squelched by immaturity led to their becoming husband and wife. But, uh-oh, trouble again! They found that though they each had experienced a spiritual rebirth — changing their hearts — their personalities remained the same. So, again, they began to struggle with their differences — i.e. until they discovered a difference was not a call for correction but an opportunity to complement each other and to celebrate their differences. Enter our signature chapter in Door to a Lasting Marriage. 31 pages are dedicated to a principle that for us has long been more than a theory: We each unconsciously seek, find, and marry a person whose predominant personality traits are opposite from our own. As someone recently has wisely written: Incompatibility is what makes a marriage. In silence, this screams volumes about close friends — same gender, same predominant personality traits.
The Sounds of Silence
One of our daughters once worked for a General Electric Call Center. The center hired mostly women. To be hired, a person had to have qualities commensurate with the job — extroverted, engaging, spontaneous, and intuitive. And those traits had to be high on the intensity scale. Our daughter said almost the whole room of telephone people became instant friends. And that happens in normal living (unconsciously) with those of the same gender and same predominant personality traits. One innately understands the other. My closest friend and I never have to explain ourselves to each other. Not long ago he and his wife were visiting in our home. She, upon seeing Fred and me interact said — in reference to me — “Oh no! Another one of those!” She and Fred don’t enjoy the kind of understanding that Fred and I share, nor do Mimi and I. It’s impossible!
The Talk I’ve Never Forgotten
Hawaiian Island Ministries presents yearly a conference featuring internationally known leaders in faith and Christian living. (Coincidentally, HIM is convening this week — virtually.) In normal times there are about a hundred seminars, 25 plenary sessions, and thousands attend. I once attended an HIM seminar led by a well-known pastor whose marriage had just emerged from a dark tunnel (of his doing). This was his first new public appearance. He spoke strongly and at length about a matter he said can blindside a marriage — apparently a big factor in his marriage “hiccup.” It was this: Don’t ever try to reshape your spouse to fit your format of a best friend. It presents a burden — a huge unconscious demand that can never be realized but only perceived as failure. His advice? Find a friend! Well, I did hesitate last month at the Hallmark shelf, but not for long. The best card happened to say in bold letters: TO MY BEST FRIEND. It was red, matching the big heart-shaped box of candy I had also bought Mimi. Sometimes it’s better to be wrong than to be stupid.
