1 + 1 = 3: More Marriage Mystery
This is not just “mystery” of which I speak. This is literally mega-mystery. The word “mystery” is used 27 times in the Bible without an adjective — except once. That once is when it speaks of marriage: … the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery…. That word great is from the Greek word mega. Some translations render mega as profound — a profound mystery. Either way, marriage is very special to God.
And that’s why I’m obliged to use the Bible here because God has invented marriage and he has defined it. We may go nowhere else but to the Bible to define marriage — the conjugal relationship between a man and a woman made legal. Our society has now allowed the conjugal relationship between two of the same sex to be made legal. The Bible does not recognize this as marriage. When I was growing up one of the partners in my dad’s business had a conjugal partner of the same sex. The law did not allow for that, so this man who was respected by his business partners and his community had to hide that relationship from the public. Out of deference to this man whom I knew and respected as a person, I feel it would have been a humane thing if the law was then as it is now. However, and I feel this strongly, there should be another name for this legal same-sex relationship, because it is not marriage. And it is not a great mystery. That’s not my opinion. That is God’s truth in his own Word. All that I write here in these blogs as well as what we write in our book apply only to marriage as God defines it. And that definition is adorned with mystery.
The word “mystery” elicits intrigue, and it’s defined as something impossible to explain. Those two features come into play here. I want to introduce something intriguing about marriage that I can’t explain. No one can. We can only speak of its presence. It’s very real. I’m speaking of The Marriage Person (TMP) — that which comes into existence the moment a marriage is declared. TMP is bigger than wife and husband. It’s invisible but it’s there. TMP is fragile but resilient. It can easily be disturbed but remains faithfully present. If one spouse dies, TMP remains. When the second spouse dies TMP is no more. Mimi and I both experienced that with our parents as they passed away one-by-one. If there is divorce TMP is there but it’s shattered. The classic movie, Parent Trap (see June 20 Blog), is the story of two sisters’ desperate but hilarious mission to repair TMP that was broken. Children unconsciously have a very high respect for TMP. The term — The Marriage Person (TMP) — did not originate with me. It floated back to my brain — I’m sure Providentially — at a moment I needed it and has not left me since. It came from the writings, I’m almost certain, of Walter Trobisch. (Trobisch and his wife, Ingrid, did world-wide marriage counseling from their home in Austria.) The term came afresh to me as I was about to tell Breanna (not her real name) — who had come to me, her pastor, with an enigma — “I’m sorry, Breanna, but I can’t help you with this one.”
Breanna had posed a practical but tricky question. Her husband was to attend an extended business trip where there would be lots of free time. In a very rare gesture he invited her to go with him. Problem — their daughter (Breanna’s child from a previous marriage) insisted her mom stay home to attend a school function to which moms had been invited. Having worked closely in the church with all three, I knew them well. I knew the daughter was insecure. I also knew the marriage was too. How would you advise? Wisdom came from above. I took a blank sheet of paper, and as I explained what I’ve written above I drew three circles positioned like an equilateral triangle — two circles opposite each other the size of quarters, the one at top the size of a fifty-cent piece. I put the word “HUSBAND” and then “WIFE” in the two smaller circles. I put “MARRIAGE PERSON” in the larger circle at the top. I pointed out that the answer lies not in what’s good for the wife, or the husband, or the child. It lies in what’s good for the marriage; that not only will all benefit, but also will the child’s children and beyond. I asked, “Breanna, what’s best for your marriage?” She got up, walked to the door, turned, smiled, and said before leaving, “Thanks, Sim, I know exactly what to do.” I never learned what her decision was, but I didn’t need to know because I knew it was the right one.
Nine important words were left off the Ephesians 5:32 quote in the first paragraph. Here’s the last part of that quote with those words included: … the two shall become one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak [also] concerning Christ and the church. You see, the greatest mystery of the cosmos is that God desires us to become one with Christ even as husband and wife are joined as one. In knowing what was ahead, God established marriage to model that coming Marriage — capital “M” — for all whose hearts are open to Christ, thus becoming his betrothed. Yes, 1+1=3. But it’s also true that 1+1=1 — in both marriages.