What Makes You Married?
The young man and woman were not members of our church so I quickly lost track of them. But wherever they are right now they probably still don’t like me. And if they have been blessed with children and even grandchildren, those offspring probably don’t think much of me either. I don’t remember her line of work, but he was a butcher at Piggly Wiggly — or one of the big chain grocery stores — and apparently very good at his line of work. They were very fine people. I liked them a lot. They had known each other since grade school and almost since then had been going together waiting until they were in a position to tie the knot. They asked me do it. And therein lies the problem. I did the wedding — a big one in every sense of the word with all the thrills and frills you might expect — but I did not tie the knot.
It was a Saturday wedding. The problem surfaced late Friday at the rehearsal when I discovered they had forgotten to pick up their completed license before the courthouse closed for the weekend. Could I marry them without it? I phoned a church friend who was also a top attorney in Ft. Lauderdale. “Sim, you can do it but it would be illegal. They wouldn’t really be married and you would be liable. Probably none of that would ever surface and no one would ever know, but I wouldn’t do it. However, it’s your choice.” I chose to stay legal. Not many in that huge congregation noticed I substituted some gibberish for I declare that you are now husband and wife. But some did, including the unhappy bride and groom who were prepared because I told them beforehand. After a long drive on the Sunshine Parkway they were declared husband and wife very late that night at the Florida-Georgia line. It was declared by an authority who was certified to issue them a license on the spot — a regulation not allowed in Florida. The license was signed by a hired witness.
The opposite has also happened. Mimi is a cupid by nature. She loves to see couples happy. She even likes to make couples “happen.” Being a bank manager gave her opportunity. She was very happy when one time she successfully introduced one of her men clients to one of her women friends who frequented the bank. I knew the man well and he asked me to do the wedding. But there was a problem. Both of them had lucrative ties that would be forfeited the moment they became husband and wife. Their suggested solution? Do the ceremony and when the magic moment arrives just speak gibberish. “People will think you declared us married, and that’s all that matters.” They had good reason for wanting the knot to stay untied, and it’s generally known that there are many older couples similarly kept clandestinely single. But I couldn’t participate in the charade. Mimi agreed with my decision and her friend understood, but I think I lost mine.
Why these stories? They are striking in that they clearly present a singular truth: In one instant — as long as it takes to say about a dozen words — two lives are recast, revolutionized, changed forever. And without those words it doesn’t happen. How can this be? But it’s true. (Even in so-called common law marriages — defined by obscure varying state laws in states that haven’t made it obsolete — a judge, if called upon for some adjudication, must determine at what moment the intent of those dozen words was activated in the relationship.) At some brief point in time a bride and groom become husband and wife. That point is crucial.
The doctrine of some church bodies enters this discussion of What Makes You Married?. In keeping with Roman Catholic tradition (for most churches?) the marriage is not consummated until sexual intercourse takes place subsequent to the wedding ceremony. In antiquity that act of marriage which sealed the vows required a witness just as one was required for the vows. Eric Metaxas, in his biography Martin Luther, includes these extraordinary words written by Luther’s closest friend, Justus Jonas, after Jonas in full view of the couple had been such a witness. (Notice his response reflects the sacredness of sex.) “Yesterday, I was present and saw the bridegroom on the bridal bed — I could not suppress my tears at the sight.”
In the tradition under which Mimi and I were married the magic moment happens at the wedding altar. In our book I liken the import of that moment to the only moment that supersedes it — the one when a person is reborn into God’s Kingdom: It’s amazing how little feeling has to do with it. Consider this: I had sincerely opened my heart… It was an act of my will, and I had made it public. It was a fact. I knew it was a done deal, and it was not a feeling… I’m speaking here of becoming a Christian. But those words also fit with my becoming a husband, and Mimi becoming a wife… It was a done deal. We were husband and wife. The brevity, the simplicity, the profundity of these two most important [human acts] will forever fascinate me.
As we got away in a flurry of rice [we said] to each other, “I don’t feel any different!” Oh, but we were!!!