Marriage and The Dull, Unimaginative, Mind-numbing, Mega Important “C” Word
About three weeks ago I casually, in person, mentioned to two acquaintances that I would appreciate their thoughts about marriage, that I was writing a blog and could use their help. “Sure,” they replied with delight. Here’s a little bit about these two. One is a middle-aged handyman who is not married but would like to be and has therefore seriously studied marriage up close and personal through his married siblings. The other is a hairdresser with grown children from her husband’s previous marriage. Here’s the question:
What, in Your Opinion, is The Foundation of a Happy Marriage?
Continuing with these two helpful, affable people: They have never met, were asked at different times and places, and as far as each knew they were alone in this endeavor. Yet each eagerly answered immediately almost before the question left my mouth. Now, quickly, before reading ahead, how would you answer?
Frankly, I was blown away
Here are two people out in ordinary life like the most of us. They haven’t been in marriage seminars or had professional counseling, and they aren’t steeped in books on marriage. Yet, they both emphatically and in a flash gave the same answer — Communication! Each then hesitated thoughtfully and added two or three more ingredients they felt were important, most of which related to their biggie — Communication.
In Retrospect, is Our Book — Door to a Lasting Marriage — Flawed?
The shear swift and bold declaration by these two came across to me as if someone with greater authority had spoken. And, yes, it caused me to rethink our decision not to have a chapter entitled Communication in our book — the book this website aims to lay open. Mimi and I agree that communication is the key to a happy marriage, and in our book with chapter headings arranged alphabetically, “C” was originally meant to be Communication. We reneged for two reasons. One, to us the word exudes a sense of being flat, boring, and lifeless. Two, because every chapter in our book is about husband/wife communication. Check ‘em out.
A. Anger: As he (her pastor) spoke with her, he discovered a deep (hidden) anger toward her husband. This woman had lost all hope of ever having the relationship with her husband she craved. That night she was able to forgive, followed by honest communication and a renewed relationship with her husband (p.60).
B. Baggage: (She) said that if a woman has a problem with her father, she will take it out subconsciously on her husband. When I was a little girl my dad was gone all the time. So to protect myself from the pain caused by his continual absence, I walled him off. That wall was still with me. As soon as I began to see this problem, the wall began to melt. Do you know what? — the fights with Sim stopped (p.95).
C. Children: We live in a day when children are often at the apex of privilege in the family. Children in many families — should we dare say it — come close to being worshipped. That’s one of the worse things you can do for your kids and your husband/wife relationship. But (quoting Time’s Belinda Luscombe) “One of the best things you can do for your kids is to love the heck out of your spouse” (pp.207,135).
D. Differences: For a married couple deciding not to love each other anymore their differences will rip them apart. But for two in love it makes life exciting. When they meet at the end of the day, they are two different people — not taking the other for granted, listening to how the other thinks, feels, responds, and reacts to all that’s going on. It makes marriage exciting — a sort of dance and a celebration of differences (p.239).
E. Eros: In love-making, the senses — sight, smell, touch, hearing, taste — are used in expressing an inner love and affection. To quote Eric Metaxas “We know that Martin Luther truly found the physical act of sexual union within the context of marriage to be something beautiful and holy — God approved and sanctified where the idea of [communicating] something sinful and dirty was not even possible” (pp.354,355).
F. Faith: It was not until we each opened the door of our lives to Christ that we each found fulfillment in knowing him. Through that relationship with him we found each other. Further, not until we opened the door of our marriage to Christ into all parts of our life together did we find a more fulfilling relationship (p.401).
What Was Your Answer to the Question Asked Those Two Above?
As I noted, after each quickly and enthusiastically gave his and her top answer — Communication! — each then thoughtfully added more. Here are their additional ideas (in alphabetical order) as to what they felt were foundational to a happy marriage: Attentiveness, honesty, loyalty, quality time together, respect, and trust. I was extremely impressed. Maybe I should have moved over and asked them write this blog!