Smorgasbord Monogamy
Sad about the state of marriage in America, he said: “If marriage is like this now, what may it be like 20 years from now!” Those words spoken around 1982 by Billy Graham at one of his last crusades and captured in his archives struck me the other day, because here we are 40 years later and his concern appears well founded. But there’s good news here too. Our society no longer hides behind convention. People of all ideological persuasions — yes, including Christians — are living out what they truly believe about marriage with a hang-it-what-anybody-else-thinks attitude. At least it beats the stress of one feeling deeply about something while outwardly conforming to what’s contrary to those feelings. I have no way to know the results of the following questionnaire, but it would be interesting to know what square you check below. At the least it may help you to confirm where you are in the marriage smorgasbord.
What are Your Deepest Feelings About the Makeup or Composition of Marriage?
This is not an exercise to prove anyone wrong or right. Each one of these positions below is logical, rational, and accepted by many. In short, they all make sense. As you may guess, I do make a suggestion at the end of this page as to what I think the best choice is and why, but I doubt if it will dissuade you from a different choice. Why this exercise then? Well, you may not know where you are because I have met many who don’t. What C.S. Lewis said about theology applies here: “If you don’t know your present location you can’t move to another.” If you can get a fix on where you are, I’m hopeful you’ll move to where you think you should be if you aren’t there already. Please check the box that’s really you even if it doesn’t square with your present marital status! (Note: Many proponents of A, B, C, and D have each famously succeeded in their marriages — and many have each likewise failed.)
A. ❑ Non-institutional Marriage
Genuine love can’t be legislated. Legal love is not love at all. Real love is spontaneous and bonding. To make marriage vows to one another is well intentioned but illusionary and prosaic — robbing love of its human authenticity. Love has its own bonding power. That power will hold a man and woman together as long as their love for one another perseveres. If or when that love ends, the marriage should also end. Such a marriage is constituted without ceremony. It supersedes paperwork. A piece of paper, no matter who signs it, doesn’t have the power of love.
B. ❏ Respectful Marriage
A devoted and principled couple want to enter into a full sexual relationship — hoping with all their hearts that their enthusiasm for each other will never wane, yet deep down keeping their options open in case It does. They respect what others (including themselves) feel about conjugal relationships, so they exchange wedding vows in the presence of an officiant. They are a married couple, but inwardly — because they are principled —they each intend to not hold the other prisoner in the marriage, nor allow themselves the same fate, if the marriage eventually tanks.
C. ❏ Unofficiated Marriage
This differs from A above in that there’s a ceremony involved. There is no officiant but there are vows and witnesses. The man and woman pledge themselves to each other by making vows as they clasp hands in the presence of friends and/or family. This is sometimes called Handfasting and includes exchanging rings and a festive celebration.
D. ❏ Institutional Marriage
The word “Institutional” has a bland and boring ring to it, but this is the box Mimi and I would check. A description by Frederick Buechner (author, speaker, pastor) defines this position in story form: Who can look at the [Non-institutional Marriage of those] who live together, even have children together, and call them simply wrong? … All I can say is … profoundly unrealistic as the commitment was that the girl in the white dress and I made to each other in the presence … not only of most of the people we loved best … but of God as well, in whose name Dr. Mullenburg … blessed us — my life would have been incalculably diminished without it.
Two Biggies in Favor of “D”
One, the nature of love. Love is not involuntary like breathing and infatuation are. Those happen. Love is something you do — like brushing your teeth. Two, making a witnessed covenant or contract with another and God is binding.
In light of these two facts, please ruminate on and mull over the coming quote. Our pastor, in a sermon, shared this vivid statement from the famed German theologian, Dietrich Bonhoeffer, which was used at the wedding of one of Bonhoeffer’s close relatives: It is not love that causes marriage to endure. It is marriage that causes love to endure.