Reflections on the Bane, Blessing, and Banishing of Depression
It’s one thing to be sad and sorrowful during months of lock-down — isolated, disconnected, bored, no end in sight. Quite another to be melancholy when all life around you is upbeat and joyful as with Louisa May Alcott (author of the classic Little Women) when she wrote the following words under the title Despondency:
Silent and sad,
when all are glad,
And the earth is dressed in flowers,
When the gay birds sing
Till the forests ring,
As they rest in woodland bowers.
Oh, why these tears,
And these idle fears?
Augusta is in full bloom said our newspaper this morning. And it is. Bright splashes of color everywhere, birds chirping, bees buzzing, and you can almost feel the excitement stored in all those tiny tender leaves looking forward to bursting out big-time and shadowing the landscape under their lush canopies of green.
How could surroundings such as this possibly harbor a joyless, gloomy, downcast heart. But it can and it does and it did. It was a deep depression I went through. Mimi and I were living at the seminary at the time while I was training for the ministry. I later discovered it had much to do with several things. I was doing what Mimi’s dad warned me against — burning the candle at both ends. I was in school, had a wife and two small children, two churches I was caring for, and another job to boot. In addition, I had some baggage I hadn’t taken care of — an inner conflict with my dad who did not want me in seminary. Just as a coach turns to his or her bench to replace an injured player, so I turned to my inner reserves but my bench was empty. All my reserves had been depleted taking care of all the above. Results? Depression.
Describing Depression
It’s difficult to describe depression. It is pain — an intense yet illusive pain. It was as if I viewed everybody on a playing field called life — a field I could not step onto though I desperately [tried]… as if I were imprisoned in a fog, a sort of trance out of which I could not awaken. Life had lost all joy. Nothing was fun. Those words are mine. J.B. Phillips, pastor, author, and Bible scholar, in his book The Price of Success describes his struggle with depression: The hardest thing of all to bear is what I can only describe as a nameless mental pain… It is so overwhelming that one can understand the temptation to suicide. It’s a sense… that one has strayed into a strange country by mistake. Thus, words have no meaning. Money has no value… everything is out of joint. [Depression] compares the "prisoner’s" present state with joyful states he has known before but are [now] utterly beyond his reach… But he is given instead an agony of comparison [to those joyful days].
Blessing and Banishment
I would be remiss if I failed to say that the depression I went through was one of the biggest blessings of my life — not the depression itself but the results from it. It caused me to learn so much about myself. That quote from our book is accompanied by several things I learned — one being that my despondency was not a curse from God because of my inability to live a perfect Christian life. In fact, God is the key to healing. (BTW, though healing takes place forgetting doesn’t. But the memory, which still holds a sting, also brings back the joy in all that was gained, costly though it was.) From our favorite pastor/teacher I learned I John 3:20: If our hearts condemn us, God is greater than our hearts. We may shut down, God does not. As I look back; four things to share: (1) Thinking you are unique — Wrong! (2) I stupidly toughed it alone — Don’t! (3) Thoughts of giving up the fight — Never! (4) Healing started the moment I prayed — after reviewing I Thess. 5:18 — “Lord, you are kind and loving. You have allowed this for a good reason. Thank you.” A sudden smidgen of joy warmed the tears in my eyes. I was assured. I knew God was with me even though I could not see the way. Alcott, whose depression once led her close to suicide wrote other verses to Despondency. Here’s her last verse:
If He clothes these
And the leafy trees,
Will he not cherish thee?
Why doubt His care;
It is everywhere,
Though the way we may not see.